Don't get me wrong. I love them all. I mean, I really love them. Not in the obligatory "they're my family, I have no choice" way, but in the for real "I would do absolutely anything for these people and I love them more than I can even find a way to explain" way.
But man, do I ever hate them, sometimes. haha. I have realized though, that this is par for the course as far as relationships of any kind, go. Like I love Kent and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but there are days that I wonder how long that might be. One of us might actually kill the other, one day.
My family though...that relationship is next level. I mean even looking back on this blog over the years, it was all there. I always felt like it was this angsty, whiny, martyr of a teenager bitching about her problems, but it really was that bad...and it still is.
My mom...I love her, but she is very very hard to be around. She is critical of every. single. thing. my younger sister and I ever do. From the way our hair looks, the clothes we wear, how we drive, what we think, what we do and how we do it, etc. etc. She is argumentative...about everything! I mean everything. I told her recently that I had been looking at property and she started to argue with me about the value of a certain property. One that she has never seen, never heard about and has no idea the value of. Just disagreeing because she can.
And she is so much worse, with Boo. That poor kid has a dad who doesn't give a shit about anything. She spent the majority of her youth with an abusive, fall-down drunk parent and negative, resentful mother. She has done really well for herself. She put herself through school, got a good career, met a nice fella. And yet, every single word that my mom says to her is negative. Never an expression of pride, love, warmth, nurturing, etc. Just negative, judgemental, critical crap non-stop.
And then there is Erika. She is the best. 33 years old, pretty much letting mom raise her boy, definitely letting mom pay for everything for the boy, pawning him off on whoever she can and milking favours from everyone. She is with another fucking loser of a boyfriend and they spend every weekend popping pills and staying up all night "swinging" with strangers. She lies. She cheats. She steals. She has accomplished very little for such an intelligent woman and defines her worth by the approval of whatever dirt bag man she is with at the moment.
And she...is the aggravating factor for the crazy. For whatever reason, my mom only cares for Erika and Erika's well being. She will hand Erika money hand-over-fist, pay her bills, buy her things, take care of her son. She refuses to believe a bad word about her, and if we try to tell her something bad all she does is ask Erika and what Erika says is the truth. And Erika uses it. She plays mom against us. She manipulates everything and will suck the family dry, but never show up when you need something.
She left me on the side of the highway in the middle of winter in -40 degree weather, in the dark at 5:30am. I got second degree frost-bite. When a stranger picked me up and brought me home, my mom greeted me at the door to ream me out. Instead of seeing if I was okay, she started jumping down my throat about upsetting Erika. That was the last day that I lived at that house. To this day, she has never asked me anything about it. I guess she just took whatever Erika said and let that be the truth.
But one thing about that day, and many other days since, that has happened, is that I learned that I will never have a normal family. I went to Kent's that day and I lay in bed with him and sobbed. It took almost 4 hours to get me warm, multiple blankets, sharing body heat, hot water and lemon, etc. 4 hours before the blue tone to my skin went away. And I cried for the entire four hours. I asked him what I could've ever done to deserve it? I went over everything I had done and said, and all of the things I had done for her. I sobbed and sobbed and asked what would merit that.
And Kent answered me. He told me nothing. He told me there is nothing that someone could do to deserve to be treated that way. He told me that I had done so much and given so much to them and that it wasn't okay for them to treat me so poorly in return. And he told me that I was never sleeping in that house, again. I moved in with him right after that.
And you know what? Every single time that I have gone over there again, and after ever upsetting thing they have said and done, he keeps reminding me that I gave enough. I tried hard enough. He reminds me that I don't deserve to be crapped on. He reminds me that I can leave. That I don't have to listen to, or accept their drama and/or negativity. And every time they try to bring it down on me, I reject it. And every time it gets easier.
When I found out that Erika's douchebag of a boyfriend refused to go on a family vacation if I was there, I simply told my mom I wasn't going because I don't need the drama. And I didn't let anyone guilt me for it. When I gave something to Boo that my mom expected me to give to her and received a whiny text from mom trying to guilt me, I shut her down. I acted like an adult and said "if it is that big of a deal, come get mine and I will buy another." and it stopped any further nonsense.
And every time I do this, it gets easier. Every time I realize that I can love these crazy people without becoming crazy, or acting just as crazy, it is more freeing. It doesn't mean that I love them less, it just means that I have enough crazy in my life- I have a crazy dog and a crazy man and a crazy amount of love for them both.
And I will never forget that crazy morning where this man that I love reminded me of what love is and of what I deserve.
Always Living A Dream
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