My father is a great singer, and has this really soothing voice. When we were really young, he used to sing to us before we went to bed. I can remember being a baby, when he still lived with my mom, he'd come home from work and we'd sit in the rocking chair in the corner of my bedroom and we'd rock, and he'd sing to me. Every night. He was never a good father, but I think deep down, that he loved me, back then.
He used to sing two very strange songs, for lullabies. One, was "Red River Valley" Until today, I had completely forgotten the words. It just came rushing back to me, a few minutes ago. I can remember being at my grandmother's house, and I was about 3, and I wanted him to sing me to sleep, and he said he didn't know what to sing, and I said, "anything." and so it was that song. It became a bit of a tradition. The last thing I heard before I went to sleep, was:
"From this valley they say you are going
We will miss your bright eyes and sweet smile
For they say you are taking the sunshine
That has brightened our path for a while
Come and sit by my side if you love me
Do not hasten to bid me adieu
But remember the Red River Valley
And the cowboy who loved you so true"
A few years later, we would sing that song together. Every night before bed. And when the song finished, a kiss on the cheek and sweet dreams. I think that is one of few good memories I have of my father. I think this is the first time that I have smiled when thinking about my father. I know it's the first time I have cried a happy tear over him.
The second song that I wanted to tell you about, is a song called "Country Roads" That is the song from waaaay back, when I was just a baby, that he used to sing me to sleep, to. The words never meant anything to me before. I was just happy to be there with my father, hearing his voice, being held by him, feeling safe and happy. Over the years the words have grown meaningful, to me. The song reminds me of home, for some reason. (Even though home is not in Virginia)
I wonder if subconsciously, my father was trying to tell me in his own little way that there was somewhere else he wanted to be. That he didn't want to be there in my room, rocking me to sleep, but somewhere else. Somewhere better. Perhaps he felt that there was somewhere else he belonged. Maybe he really wasn't singing to me, but to himself, as he dreamt of the new life and home that he would soon have without the baby girl that he seemed to love so much. I guess that is the sacrifice that he was willing to make for that "almost heaven"
The song to me, makes me think of home. Of Carleton Place. Of my childhood. Of growing up. Of a secure, familiar, beautiful place that is mine. A sanctuary that will always be there when I'm feeling low. My place. My town. My life. "Country Roads, take me home, to the place where I belong"
Anyway, sorry I got a bit off-topic, but those were my lullabies. My mom never sang to me, because he singing voice is what a dying seagull would sound like. I know for sure that my father and his singing is what made me love music so much. He is the reason that music is my security blanket. If I didn't have him, I at least had the memory of the songs that he sang to me. Music was like a parent to me, since mine abandoned me.
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Thinking: I wish my bank would straighten out this money mess.
Soundtrack: John Denver
Loving: Keith, my prince, and home.
Hating: My bank.
Quote: I gave not wanting something in return, so cry just a little for me.
Always Living A Dream
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