a confession: When Siobhan found out that she got accepted to school, I was with her. We jumped around, and hugged, and screamed and were both so excited. I was truly happy for her. But inside..way deep down, I was sad for me. Jealousy. I was truly jealous of her, at that moment. I felt like I was never going to go anywhere. My closest friend was getting out. She got to leave, and I would be stuck.
I talked to her a lot about school, actually. I made jokes about how I would be stuck at ND for another year...about how I wasn't going to get out. I think i've mentioned before, that I try to cover my pain with lame jokes. I went with her to her orientation, and was so happy walking around her school with her. She was excited, and I was excited for her, but again, jealousy was buried deep inside. And when my mom called and told me I had been accepted to University, I could have just cried. It was the biggest relief I had ever felt. Not because I wanted to be equal to Siobhan or whatever...but because deep down I was scared. I was so scared that I wasn't going anywhere. And I still am. I'm here, but I feel like i'm not. It's a really tough thing to deal with. I want to be somewhere else. To be on my own and to have a real life. I still wish that things had've worked with Keith. Isn't that sad? I find myself wondering, sometimes, if I could deal with his mood swings, for real. If I could be with him everyday, while he was in his moods. It would be really tough. But, I still think they're cute, so i'd prolly just laugh it off and let him mope around for a bit, then i'm sure he'd get over it. It would definitely be interesting...being his wife. Such a strange thought, now. Before it was so easy to imagine, but now it's just weird.
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