Someone implied this week that i'm disingenuous, and at first I was a bit upset by it because it can be interpreted as calling me a liar or manipulative and I don't like any of those words, because I feel that i'm generally a very honest person.
The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized that it may actually be an accurate thing to say. I don't apologize for who I am, much to the dismay of the many friends and boyfriends of the past who tried to force me. I don't intend to apologize for this either, but it's probably a good thing to acknowledge it.
I've got myself fooled most of the time, as well...I feel like I try hard to be a certain person and convince myself that's who I am, when it's not. I think the person I was convincing myself I am is much more brazen than the real me is. I say and do things that I think people want/expect me to say and do(And I never think before I say them) and I come off very sneaky/manipulative/sinister.
Whenever I realize that i've hurt or upset people, I get indignant and rude and hurt them even more in an attempt to justify being the way i'm trying to be.
I had a poisonous friend that not only allowed me to abuse the people I love, but encouraged and suggested it. He showed up just long enough to watch me sabotage all of my relationships and hurt myself and people I care about, then disappeared leaving me alone with my only friend being my false vindication.
You know, though, every friend of this...person i've been lately that drops out of my life allows me more room to be the person that I am...if that makes any sense.
Those of you that know me well and have known me for a long time know that I have always had a bit of an identity issue. I've spent a lot of my life acting. I'm not making excuses for any of it, because I did it (to some extent) knowingly, but I found a hard time finding a place for myself with all that happened around me when I was younger.
I have slowly morphed into a very mean girl and I don't like it. I have been awful to people that cared enough to stick by me, despite taking the brunt of the viciousness I unleashed on people over the past couple of years.
My behaviour hasn't only been destructive to myself, but to good people whose friendship i'm not sure I ever deserved, and I think that might ultimately be my punishment for allowing myself to become this person. I deserve to start alone this time, and I think it's probably best.
Not many people get so many chances to start over. I tried running away. I convinced myself I didn't want to be here, but I think it's a good place for me. I feel like the people around me are genuine and that I can be genuine to them, and I can't imagine a better place to start over.
I just hope the feelings that were hurt in the process have mended and if i'm ever thought of, that there is some good thought to shine through the crap, rather than the negativity I unleashed.