This day, 4 years ago! Wow.
Fun. I miss that kind of fun. It came so easy with us. Everything was a joke or a smartass comment. I miss being able to talk to the people in my life like I did to him, and get it back in return without a thought. I mean really, he could give it to me like nobody else. A worthy partner. He really was.
I'm not somebody that needs a sweet nice guy. I tried. God knows I tried with Chris. I mean, sure we were never really together but why was that? Because he was way too freaking nice. He just really loved me, but it wasn't the right kind of love I don't think. I couldn't tolerate love that wasn't fun and passionate, intense and unpredictable. I don't want to get stuck with that.
I don't think anything will ever quite match the level of fun he and I had. It was ALWAYS so easy to be with him. Lately I feel stressed by the people around me. I feel pressured and pushed to be what they want me to be, as opposed to who I am.
It's a difficult thing not to compare people. I had...the best possible people for me, already. So how do I settle for sweet? How do I settle for Chris? I had Chris...I didn't want him. Infact, I drove him to the point of HATE. He hates me with an intense amount of passion.
I was a slow-working venom. I slowly and lethally worked my way through his system...destroying everything good as I went along. When he thought he was rid of me, like a snake, I wrapped myself around him and constricted tightly, keeping him close, but sang lullabies to him, so he thought I was a friend. I did a beautiful but deadly dance with him for years. He was a helpless little mouse that I just wanted to play with a while before I finally went in for the kill.
That's what happens to nice guys. I poison them.
And somehow I know that I will always, always be able to go back and laugh about it with the sheep fucker. I just don't see him not being there to laugh with.
I feel badly. I know how it all ends.