Life has done too much to me. I can't take being let down one more time. I can't fight for what I think is right anymore, because it always ends up wrong anyway.
My dad reached a new low last week when he drove drunk AGAIN with my sister, and this time the police found him when he almost collided with a car at high speeds on the highway. Sure enough, I got the call from the police station in another town, to go and pick up my sister.
I can't imagine how it comes down to that. I mean we all had to know it was eventually going to go there again, after the last several times we have allowed him and enabled his behaviour, and still i'm shocked.
And so we faced the decision again, and like always my mother is so incredibly selfish that when she asked us girls what we wanted, and we told her, she spun it around until it was what she wanted. And so what does he lose? What does he have to suffer with, after destroying our entire lives?
NOTHING.
He gets to come here and have his family, his dogs, he gets to keep his job, his truck, and since he's pleading not guilty (which I can't imagine someone who had double the legal limit of alcohol in their blood doing in good conscience) his license and vehicle. He has lost NOTHING.
I just don't have it in me to be angry with him, though. I won't ever be able to forgive him for putting my sister's life at risk like that, but how can you blame him when my mother has ALLOWED him to come back and do it over and over and over again despite having opportunities in the past to make a change? This is her fault. Where we are and how we all feel is her fault.
He's not realized that he needs help, and is attending 5-6 AA meetings a week, as well as getting sponsor and confessing to all of his friends that he can never drink again because he is an alcoholic. I believe he wants to get sober now...for him. We didn't threaten him, we didn't tell him that was his only option. We told him we don't care what he does, and he chose that on his own. I believe he's finally doing what needs to be done.
But what is she doing? She's in martyr mode. She...is a hero for being so strong...for driving him to and from work. I don't buy it. She put it all on herself. She allowed him to do what he's done, and she is allowing it to happen this way again. Taylor and I made our decision and it was that we were willing to give up our home, our dogs, our luxuries...right down to not having cable tv, cell phones or internet...to have him out of our lives. She chose otherwise.
And so, here we are again.
First of all, I don't know who it is that God is testing, anymore. Everybody that my mom cares about in her world has had something horrible happen to them this year, and still she hasn't budged one tiny bit from her high horse. I just feel like maybe she needs to come to terms with her life and the state of her family being largely due to her choices.
to be continued...just don't want to lose what i've written...
Always Living A Dream
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