I have finished my treatment (finally!) It has been a very long 7 months of my life, and it has defnitely changed me as a person.
In my time laid over here in this hole of a town, I have made attempts to reach out to many old friends, and made some great new friends as well. I am so incredibly blessed to have certain people in my life, as they have saved me and shaped me in ways that they will never even know.
When I got a rather blunt e-mail from an old friend regarding my invitation to dinner, the other day, it hit me. I have spent far too much time trying to mend what clearly cannot be fixed. I do it with all of my relationships. Fact of the matter is...I cannot stand when someone doesn't like me. I know how arrogant I can be, and I know my own strengths so well, that people find me to have a holier than thou attitude. It has always driven me crazy though, when someone doesn't like me. My attitude of saying what I mean, and meaning what I say (ie: not giving a shit) seems to be why people don't like me, and in turn, i get upset by it. It's sort of funny.
Anyway, it's no secret that I have no use for this town. I never have. I have a very difficult time relating to people my age who choose to live here, as I never could nor would make that choice for myself. When you've been gone as long as I was, people go on with their small town lives and choose not to include you and your big city attitude. That's only fair, and I was stupid to expect people to let me in after so long.
I'm not a homebody. I love living on my own, in my own space, and seeing people when I want to see them. My friends are very much like me. We see each other when we feel like it, but are quite confident in being alone. Nobody I know in this town is capable of that.
I want to see the world. I really do. I always knew that I wasn't meant to be stuck here, and even though i've been very ill and have a new appreciation for my family, being here just solidifies every negative feeling I have felt about this town and the people in it, over the years.
I don't want to sound like an asshole, but I am a very intelligent woman. I have gained much more insight into this world, than most people my age (or most 50 year olds, for that matter.) and that's nothing to be ashamed about. Of cousre I don't relate to people my age...they still think life is about the next time they get drunk, or the allowance their mom and dad give them every week.
I don't claim to be better than people, because of what i've learned, but I do realize how truly different I am. I always was, but having been at the end of life, and having truly reflected, I understand myself and my world a lot better than any of these people ever will. I will never regret going away and getting an education. I will never regret my passion for argument, nor my ability to carry on a mature conversation, and get past high school dramatics, 6 years after the fact. I won't let myself get stuck at 18, like these people have. That's a promise i've made to myself, and if it means being all alone in my 23 year old maturity, then so be it.
I have a life that is patiently waiting for me. I start back at work very soon, and in a matter of months, i'll be back globetrotting! I have a novel that I want to write, and soon i'll have the career I always wanted. I have people in my life who value my intelligence and insight, and don't condemn me for things that happened years ago, or their own shallow view and fears of what they don't understand.
I remember saying once that I was just a girl...that isn't so, anymore. I'm a woman. A woman who knows what her life is meant for, and what she wants to accomplish. The world is too big to be stuck in this hole of a town, and life is too beautiful to be dragged through the mud by those who don't have the vision to appreciate every person that has a story to tell.
I refuse to let myself get stuck again.
This year will be the year that I see the world. This will be the year that I put my story into words. This will be the year that I become healthy. It will be the year that I fall in love.
After being surrounded by death and sickness everyday, and pulling myself out of that dark pit, I am ready for life, and all that comes with it.
Always Living A Dream
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