I'm still going through with my radiation, but had a meeting this week to discuss a change in my treatment. My doctor wants to increase my dosage by 30% and also add another 5-10 treatments to the plan. This doesn't seem too bad, except that the side effects are very serious, and i'm playing with some big percentages, now.
Basically, if I go through with this, there is a 10% chance that it will cause me to go blind. Now we are facing all sorts of quality of life, issues. When I first saw him, he made it out that there was no option other than to make this change. He said that he believes there's a high risk of my cancer returning if I don't do it. Of course, he knows what he's doing, so I told him that i'd do what I had to, to be better.
The more time I spent thinking about it, though, the more I realized that I wasn't given enough information. How certain is he that there will be a recurrance? How certain is he that this amount of treatment will work, anyway? Will I have deteriorating vision, or will I just wake up blind one day? Is it long-term? Are we talking about me going blind 50 years from now, or next year? He didn't give me enough information to make an educated decision.
If these questions weren't enough, I saw my primary oncologist a couple days later, and he had no idea why the second doctor wanted to change the treatment. He said he saw my tests and they look great. I told him what the doc had said about it coming back, and he didn't really think it was such a high risk. The more I think about it, the more I feel like taking my chances...and if it does come back, we'll catch it so early that we can treat it with radiation then, and face the risks only when absolutely necessary. I just...I don't think it's fair for a young woman to have to deal with having cancer, not being able to have babies, worrying about a recurrance, all while being blind. That's too much. I have continued to be strong, but enough is enough! I'll take my chances with the cancer, again.
This week, I also had a problem with my PICC line. It got infected. Now, infection in a cancer patient is a big deal. Basically, during chemo, your body doesn't have any white blood cells to fight infection, and so something as small as a papercut can actually kill a person. Anyway, they removed the PICC, which was extremely painful. I have had one taken out before and I didn't even feel it...this time it was pretty excrutiating. They did some blood tests, and took samples from the site, and from the line itself. I was worried they'd admit me to the hospital, but they decided to send me home with some antibiotics. If I spike another fever, though, i'm hospital bound.
The only positive out of this week is that I am officially starting my FINAL round of chemo, next week! I am worried because I was so very sick last round, but at the same time, it will be a relief because I will finally be done! It feels like a big part of this disaster will finally be behind me.
It's really hard not to feel sorry for yourself, when you're faced with these life changing decisions. To make such a young person choose between being blind or maybe getting cancer is just unfair. I have been tested enough, in my life...especially in the past six months, and i'm still standing. Can't I just be left alone, now?
Always Living A Dream
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