Last weekend was a lot of fun! It was a friend's birthday, so I made my way to town in the afternoon, and we spent a few hours walking around in the Glebe. I love it down there. This led me to realize that my aunt has an empty apartment down in the Glebe. I am kicking around the idea of subletting it when i'm finished treatment. I figure it sits there empty...she could make some money off it and help her niece, but letting me stay. Of course, I have yet to propose this to her.
Sorry, that was a bit of a tangent.
So we made our way back to the apartment, changed and wandered downtown. His apartment is quite nice, for a young guy. I love to know a young man who understands his responsibilities. He's a good guy and he loves my friend so much. It makes me happy, cause she's a good girl too. I love when people are in love. :) lol
Anyway, it was a pretty laid back night. Guitar Hero, hockey game, drinks, cake and snacks. We then went out to the bar, where we got in without waiting in line, had a table waiting for us, etc. I love going out with them because they seem to know everyone. I was supposed to go out with them last night, but I had a long day on Wednesday.
Wednesday was long because my oncologist insists on making me his first appointment, every time. This means getting up before 7am so I can make it to the city before 9. I got there and realized that I didn't have my health card or cancer clinic card with me. What was more alarming was that they were like "Oh Jessica, we know everything about you. Don't worry." He told me he wants to do two more full rounds. I am a bit upset about that, because i've already gone through four full rounds, and that's all that I was told i'd need...now they say more. This shit isn't easy on your body.
So I start my next round of chemo on Wednesday, and i'm not really happy, but I guess there's nothing I can do. Coincidentally I start radiation that same day.
I had been having problems with my heart and my extremities were swollen, and my doctors still can't figure out why. They did all kinds of tests. I had an ECG which I can now scratch off my list of tests I haven't had. It amazed me that it took me longer to change into a gown than it did for her to do the test! haha. After that, I wandered over to X-Ray, where there was a two hour wait. I took my requisition back and went downstairs to the chemo lab to see the nurse.
The nurse told me to come back when I had an x-ray report. Being that I stayed in the hospital for two weeks, and had visited the in house x-ray department more than once, I decided to cheat. I walked in to the hidden in-house x-ray department and got my x-ray in 3 minutes. I went back down to see my doc who told me that he had called my neurologist and I need to stay on my anti-seizure meds for a while longer. He also told me he had no idea why I was all swollen and my heart was beating crazy. He told me what to do to stop it, as well.
Went back and saw the nurse who had to adjust my PICC as it had gone in too deep. The next day, it had gone in again, so I am seeing her again on Tuesday. I got a call today from my nurse telling me to take my pills, because my levels said there was none in my system. This is crap, because my mom is constantly reminding me to take my pills, so I couldn't forget even if I wanted to. Something is wrong.
So all of that being said, my biggest concern right now is that I won't be able to have children. I know, I know. You're saying "but you don't even like kids." I have started to like them. Birthing a child never appealed to me, until the option was taken away. I think it's something that changes, when you are in love and wanting to start a family. I just never got to that point in my life, before they took it away from me.
I worry that I will end up with someone who can't handle the idea of raising a child who isn't a product of them. I'm worried that I couldn't handle having someone else carry my baby. I'm worried that i'm damaged in a way that I can't control, by this cancer. My body can't carry a child, and i'm also at a high risk of developing cancer again. I don't think it's fair to have to bring that problem into the life of someone I love. I'm worried I won't find someone to love me, despite it.
I was talking to someone today, and realized that I had a long list of people I kept in a circle, when I was in Peterborough. Not that I was a floosie or anything, but there was always someone I could call if I wanted someone to hang out with on a Friday night. I slept with very few of them. Most of them had girlfriends or were married. What made me do this, I wonder? It was lonely, but why didn't I focus my attention on one person who wants to be with me, instead of 10 people that just use me to kill time? This is a serious flaw.
Now, I have one man in Ottawa that I spend time with. He's younger than me! (gasp!) Good kid. Good job. Smart, funny, just narcissistic enough for me. We compliment each other nicely. I like the idea of being with someone during cancer. It means that if it were to work out, they would understand what it was like for me, during the process. Not to mention he has had his own health experiences that I can relate to. He's a nice guy. The only one i've taken to, since being back in Ottawa.
I start back at the gym next week, to try and get rid of the weight the drugs have made me gain. I also have a job interview. I figure there is nothing to make you overcome cancer, like acting like you don't have it! lol.
I wish I could rewind, and find a moment to stay with forever. I know the exact date i'd rewind to. Happiness is simple. It's in the little things, not the big ones. It's in sitting on the balcony with a good friend, it's in sharing a smoke with a nice guy, or dancing with old friends. It's in swimming and music, fireworks and drinks on the deck. It's in driving around Almonte, or painted on the parking lot at my high school. It's in sitting on the tailgate of the truck, watching the sun set. It's in the sound of crickets, the smell of hay, and the sound of the wind in the trees. It's at home. It's in Peterborough. It's in my memory. I can use a little dose in my day, tomorrow.
My heart beats faster when I touch his hand. My breath catches in my throat a bit when I hear his voice. My smile gets bigger when I look up at him. (He's TALL) My life feels a bit better when i'm with him.
Life is funny. I keep saying it, but only because it keeps being proved.