With all that's been going on, with my sickness, I have sort of put the rest to the backburner. I can't think about not having a boyfriend, nor can I blame anyone for not wanting to date me, with the state of me and my life, right now. That being said, the last time I was with him, it was really nice. I like being around people that don't judge me, or worry about me, and just want to have fun! A girl my age, going through what I am, needs that in her life.
I wasn't going to mention it, because it's been at the back of my mind for a while, and hasn't really affected me much, but I feel it necessary to note that I have finally separated myself from the former love of my life. It's not a tragedy. It's not something that's devastated me. Infact, I have barely thought about it, until right this second. It's something that's been a long time coming, but I dragged it on.
It turns out, that i'm not so different from my sister. I need someone. I held on to that hope that he loved me. I held on to his words, though they were hollow and cracked when the slightest weight was put on them. I tried to believe that we were meant to be. I did all of this, because I was scared to let go of it. I was scared not to have that feeling, or that person in my life. The fact of the matter is that I never really had him at all, and I got this far. I can get through the rest of my life without him as well.
I did love him. I loved him much more than he ever deserved. I think I would have loved him forever, had he shown the slightest bit of sincerity and compassion to me. He never did though. Anything I saw in him was usually something I had to search for, and the words were usually ones I forced him to say. He never saw a choice. I put him on a pedestal and he had no choice but to live up to what I wanted from him.
In the end, it took him being very cruel and hurtful to me, at a very bad time in my life, to make me realize I didn't really love him anymore, or even enjoy him as a person. Nobody that cared would talk to me the way he did...especially when I needed his friendship more then than I ever would again.
This experience has shown me more about myself, than I ever would have known. I know what kind of person I am. I am the kind of person that survives no matter what. I don't need anyone to live my life. I certainly don't need to convince myself that I love some random person I barely know. That chapter is closed. Okay, so it might end up being two chapters in the actual book, but it's done and i'm happy.
Tomorrow night is going to be SO unbelievably amazing! I already have a date if I want it with a bouncer at the bar! Life is really, really good.
Always Living A Dream
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