I start radiation in a couple weeks, and will be getting chemo at the same time. That is going to make me really sick. I can handle that. That's not the worst part.
We went in to see the oncologist and he told me to be serious (because he knows I laugh about everything, to make myself feel better.) as he had to have a serious discussion with me.
The chemo, while it worked, will stop working over time. It won't keep the cancer gone. (obviously) The radiation...they never wanted to do it because of the risk involved in it. They are dealing with probably the worst part of the body to deal with, and several things could go wrong. They could make me blind. They could cause serious damage to my spine, or brain stem, and if the smallest bit too much makes it's way to my brain, they could wipe out my memory. Also, it's highly likely that I will develop another form of cancer, in 5, 10 or 20 years time.
It seems like a lot of risks to take, for another five years of poor quality life, doesn't it? What if he does make me paralyzed? What kind of life is that? I could have had 6 months in good health before this cancer came back and killed me. I could handle being blind, but how unfair is it for me to have to lose my sight, at such a young age. What if 5 years from now, I get hit even harder with cancer? This is the thought that finally made me break down.
I started sobbing with my mom and dad saying "I can't do this again. I don't want to do this again." It's not right that I should have to worry about these things. It's not fair. I have held out this long and said it's all happened for a reason, but there is no reason to subject a person to the quality of life i'm now condemned to. I will have to go through my life knowing that cancer is creeping back up on me.
They've already taken away my ability to have children, I could lose my sight, and i'm going to lose my life to cancer at a young age. Nobody my age should have to deal with these things. There is no reason in that! It's cruel.
I've lived a good life, I think. I never hurt anybody. I paid my way, worked hard for what I had, and never abused my body like other people I know. Why is it me that has to deal with this?
But all the tears in the world aren't going to make it go away, unfortunately. The reality is that I have to do this treatment or i'm as good as dead now. I might make it out with no side effects at all. I might not get cancer until i'm 80, or ever again. It just didn't sound like he was telling me to bet on it.
So I went yesterday and had my mask made, and I signed the form saying they could do the treatment. I have never put so much trust in a doctor before. The quality of my life and future, and my life itself rests in his hands. I have no control left.
Wish me luck.