How is it that i'm getting better, and they are still pumping that poison shit into me? They're trying to kill me, i've decided.
I realize I should be grateful to be here, after what i've endured the past couple of months. I've been very, very lucky. I also realize that this doctor saved my life in a sense, and I shouldn't be ragging on him, but it's so hard. That tennis ball sized tumor I had a couple months back is GONE. My doctor's words exactly were "The MRI showed nothing. That means there's no more cancer!"
And in the same meeting, he proceeded to tell me I start my fourth round of chemo next week, followed by "several weeks" of radiation treatments Monday to Friday, along with a high dose of chemo every three weeks. That is going to kick the shit out of me. I feel gret, right now! I feel back to my normal self. This is going to put me in a bed for a couple months, and all i've been thinking about is getting to the gym!
I had a list of questions to ask, when i went in there.
When can I go back to work?
When can I travel again?
Can I drink?
When will my PICC (line through my arm to my heart, for meds and blood) come out?
When can I get back to the gym, and how hard can I push myself?
I may not be realistic about having cancer, but it's been very surreal...the whole thing. Maybe because it's happened so fast, I still don't realize the magnitude of the situation, but I think I do. I just want to live. Now more than ever, since I almost lost the chance. I love to work and work hard. I'm stubborn as hell. I'm also getting fat(ter) from sitting on my ass and rotting.
I miss my friends. I miss my home in Peterborough. I miss being able to go somewhere if I wanted to. I miss working and getting a regular paycheck, not illness benefits. I hate being in this tiny room. I hate staying with my parents. I hate being looked at as a sick person, because I never really was that sick.
I feel like every time they give me good news, then dump a whole new pile of crap infront of me, to deal with before I can get back to normal. (or my version of it, anyway.)
It seems like that is all my life has been, these past couple years. A big old pile of crap. Every time I dig my way out, they put another pile infront of me.
It's funny because everyone keeps saying i'm so positive and so amazing for dealing with all of this cancer stuff, the way I have. I've become an inspiration to other people, which surprises me. I don't deal with anything well. I don't think i've been that positive at all, but I haven't broken down and surrendered, so I guess that is where they get it. I'm just not ready to go without a fight. I didn't realize the fight would be so many rounds though, and i'm getting tired.
I whine a lot. It's true! I realize it, so nobody has to tell me. I shouldn't expect for it to be any easier than it has, but I do. I think I deserve that. I don't think I deserved to get cancer at 22, and I think I deserve to go back to my life, for putting up with it for as long as I have. Anyway, I told him that he sucks...a lot. I think my exact words when he said "I think i'll do another round of chemo" were "SHUT UP! UGH! You suck SO MUCH!" And then I hung my head, defeated.
He, being the male version of me was all "bitch, stop your whining. I didn't give you cancer...and I got you the good drugs!" I told him he still sucked, and I was not impressed. On my way out, I said, 'Guess I won't be going back to work, soon?' he was like 'um no.'
SHUT DOWN. I left the hospital and went to inquire about a job. ha! That'll teach him. I'll be normal with or without his help. haha. (Seriously, I realize it's impossible for me to be normal at all, and definitely am not going to go against what he said. He is after all the genius who saved this girl from death.)
I'm just pissed off. I'm depressed and pissed off. I'm also getting fat, and it's driving me crazy that I can't do anything about it.
This is going to be one damn good book that i'm writing. (Oh yes, that was made public last week, in the page and a half article they did on me, in the paper. Now it HAS to be good, cause everyone knows i'm writing it.)
PS: Could I BE any gladder that Ramielle is going? The answer is no. No I could not.