I went to my first ever AA meeting last night. (No, i'm not an alcoholic) My dad, who has been inviting me to spend more and more time with him recently, asked me to go along. Seeing as it was that, or murder my mom, I went. Also, I know that it's a very personal thing for him, his meetings, so to be invited, I was sort of flattered.
Anyway, it was interesting walking into a room of people...some young, some old, some I knew, and some I didn't. All of them, though, had the same problem to shake. This particular group is very spiritual, which is great, but they don't push it on you. The speaker was a younger guy, and the way he tells it, he lost everything from drinking. While he was talking, there were times where I got a little teary eyed. I was the only one in the room who did, though.
You can tell the people who are there because they have to be, and the ones that are there because they want to be. You can also tell the people who know what it's like to lose. Most of the people there never hit rock bottom, and don't understand. Somehow, I related to the speaker in a way that nobody else did, and i've only ever been addicted to people.
He was talking about running. I have always run away from life, and he had the same problem. We all have our personality traits that lead us down our paths, and one of his was with the bottle, whereas mine lead to less destructive behaviour. I still took a similar track, though. I ran. I run. it's what I do. As soon as I can, i'm going to run again.
The problem I have is that I have nothing holding me back, so i'll run until I bump into something or someone that is worth staying put for. I'll run all over the world, as long as nothing keeps my feet planted. I have no roots.
I have places that i'm especially fond of, with things that I love, but nothing- no job, no family- holding me there. I was close, once.
My goal in life is to be somebody who is true to their beliefs. Somebody I can be proud of. The rest is just a bonus.
If i've learned anything recently, it's that life is short. I don't know if you've noticed, but I have a tendency to um...rush it. So, my plans consist of living in another country. Some think that's got no benefit, but it does to me, because i've always wanted to, and there is no better time, than today.
I am not somebody who has ever been very good at planning. I can't even make plans to go out on the weekend most of the time, let alone plans for thirty years from now, when I should be retiring. I feel, now more than ever, that things will fall into place when the time is right. That being said, i'm still a responsible independent woman who will pay my bills, and support myself along the way.
Everybody has a destiny. I don't know mine yet, but i'm trusting my gut that i'm choosing the right path. I've strayed along the way, and gotten nothing from it. It seems there's only one way that makes sense, right now. The road less travelled, but it's leading where I need to be, i think. So screw anyone that wants to criticize me for taking it.
Also, while I didn't want to talk about it again, because it is SUCH AN OLD FUCKING TOPIC...i'm so over Scott right now. I'm sure it won't be long until he comes back and says something Earth-shattering to suck me back in, but right now, i'm geniunely hurt, and that's what he wanted. So he got what he wanted, again, and I got nothing but upset. It's a viscious cycle that needs to end somewhere. I say we end it when i'm in NZ...face to face. He thinks he can destroy me before that happens. I'm over it for the time being, anyway.
Some things just get too exhausting, and I don't have enough energy to put in to that right now, anyway. Normally i'd fight, but i'm so tired of fighting. Just for once i'd like for it to be the way it should, without having to fight for it.
It just shouldn't be that hard. Life, when done right, should be effortless.