Chris wrote him an e-mail once, trying to explain how utterly messed up I was, by something that happened, and how much I loved him. He said "Using love to describe how she feels about you, is like describing the oceans with a teardrop. They don't even compare. Love, is an understatement."
He then continued to say "There are some people you would die for, and some you would die without. To Jessica, you're both."
I was so in love with him. At the same time, I had a massive depression from it, because I couldn't be with him. Love hurts, sometimes. I remember after it all came crashing down, thoughts of death, or not waking up, entire days spent in bed, being ill and missing work, skipping classes at school. Life seemed to stop, without that feeling to fuel me.
I've come to realize that some people are just like that. They need love, to function, and when it doesn't come their way, they just fall apart. Sometimes they can be put back together, sometimes they turn into serial killers, and sometimes they only kill themselves.
I don't need love to function, but it makes it a whole lot easier, sometimes. Because I believe the way I do, in romance, fate and love, it is the icing on the cake, for me.
I don't know what to say, anymore. I feel like all of those things that have been said to me, I should know, but I don't. I've been in the position where you see no light at all, and no words can pull you out of that. It takes a lot of inner strength.
Some scars never heal, and some hearts never mend, but I truly believe in doing everything possible to keep someone from feeling that way, because there is nothing worse than feeling like you have no reason. I had a reason in Scott, and when I didn't have him anymore, I lost of a lot of my purpose, at the time. It's a difficult thing to bear.
As much as I love words, sometimes they're just not enough to pull someone out of it, and that hurts me. I want to be able to do what Chris did for me, for somebody else.
In the end, some loves last forever, and it's getting a hold on it, or finding a balance, that allows life to continue, after it, or through it.
I like to think I have a hold on it, but sometimes my grip slips and I have a lapse (as seen in the past while.) When you want something so much, it's hard to focus on what you have. When you've lost something or someone you love, it's next to impossible to see anything ahead, but it's there...
Those are the only words I have, to say, to get someone past it...but what do my words really mean to anyone, anymore?