I've gained a whole new perspective and philosophy through this cancer. People ask me how I stay so positive and where I get the strength from and I tell them "One day at a time. That's all we can do. Get through today smiling, and then take on tomorrow." I truly believe it's that and the relationship with my oncologist that have made all the difference for me. He is a funny guy, and the moment he met me he knew I was a smiling, bright, funny girl and we meshed. We have fun with cancer, which he can't do with his other patients, and I can't do with anybody in the "outside world". You become a part of a community all your own, when you're a cancer survivor.
Anyway, I digress. Life itself has been exhausting, lately. My dad...with his alcoholism has reached a boiling point, as far as i'm concerned. He can't deal with everything...Erika, me having cancer (he cried so much in the hospital, and suddenly calls me "sweetheart", which he's never done in his life.) having a new job, money issues, and his relationship with my mom...and so he drinks. He drinks and thinks I don't know, but I can smell it. I can see it in his eyes, if he's had even one beer. One day I got into the car with him and went to the city, because I knew if I was with him, he couldn't drink more. He was so drunk he could barely drive, and I thought "This isn't fair that I should have to die like this, when I have cancer!" I really thought he was going to kill us both, that night.
My sister Erika...you know the story. It breaks my heart to worry about her, and know what I said to her and how she may handle it mentally. I wasn't exactly light in my words. I told her she was dead to me. What a horrible thing to say to somebody you love. But tough love from me is a very last resort, not to mention I can't spend my energy worrying about her.
On top of all of that, my parent's financial problems might land me buying a vehicle for them. What a shame I can't drive, eh? (apparently i'm "prone to seizures") As great as my family has been with not making me do anything (or much, I should say) around here, it's only because I have cancer, right? I mean...it should be a lot less stressful.
At the end of the day, something my stepmom Lois said to me, today, really hit me in a big way. "You've been playing the big sister and looking after her (my sister) for too long. You're not the big sister, and you have much bigger things happening. You need to look after yourself." She was right.
Another very insightful person today told me I am the QUEEN of drama. He was also right. It's something about us women that we always cause drama for ourselves. It's like a hormone or a feelings thing. With me, even when i'm doing it, i'm like "WTF are you doing, you retard? Shut up!" But I do it...and once you have, you have to stay with it.
I'm starting to calm down a bit, in the sense that when I get bored, instead of starting a fight, I go find someone else to do. heh. I meant something.
I am the kind of person who likes to control everything. I was like that in my job, in my relationships and most of the time in life, but in the end there are things beyond your control, as i've learned. I have a plan for myself. A series of things I want to accomplish. That's where my focus should be. Not on the rest.
But for the record, I know how the story ends.
Always Living A Dream
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