Chemo is...tough. I have chemo brain these days, and soemtimes can't finish a sentence. (and my spelling is obviously not at it's finest.) Things that I would normally remember, I have forgotten. Names of places and people in my other hometown of Peterborough are fading fast.
Being here has been bitter-sweet for me. I hate it, but the community has been good to me. The fundraising and thoughts and prayers are overwhelming and you run out of ways to express your gratitude. As a town, it's reminded my how much people do care...everyone knows me now, and suddenly those that wouldn't give me a passing thought, are calling me up.
That being said, the friends...the ones that you'd expect to be there for support, to hang out if I needed it or anything...they're pretty useless. I have had a couple offers and made a couple plans, and been bailed on. It's not so bad cause that stuff happens, but when the friends I really wanted to catch up with, don't even have the courtesy to return a phone call or MSN or e-mail..that's a whole new level of bitch.
Honestly, I don't know what I ever did to her, but she has been nothing but a bitch to me for some time now, and i've taken it. I just...I have cancer...I want to make amends (even though I have no idea what went wrong to begin with) and I don't think it's fair to continue treating me this way.
Moving on..
Stress is high in this household. I spend all my nights up worrying about my older sister. She was beaten to within an inch of her life by a fucking drugged up loser, and we managed to convince her to go somewhere safe and start over. What an amazing opportunity! I had so much faith that she'd move on and have a great life there, but she kept coming back...and fucking some guy. Now she is so depressed she won't take phone calls, won't go to her (new) job, blows off potential friends and is knocked up again.
How can someone be so endlessly disappointing? Why can't I influence her? As somebody that almost died, how can she continue to abuse her life in a way and flaunt it infront of me? Worse off, the chemo has made it impossible for me to have children, so how can she abuse the gift of carrying a child, the way she does? I don't know if she knows how much it hurts to see her down, and how hard it is to watch her fail, or that I am losing prescious sleep over it...and that's the worst part. She doesn't care. As long as she can drink, smoke, snort, fuck and be merry. It's awful for me to watch and not be able to help.
Then there is...the old classic...Scott. When I was in the hospital, during my reflection (aka coma) I kept thinking about what I had done...what helped me, what made me, who changed me, what I had accomplished...and the biggest answer I got was him. What he did for me, and to me...really changed who I was, and the way I looked at things. (not necessarily for the better) I even heard his voice once. I wanted to call him, but had no number.
So then we talked...and it's hard talking to him because I do care for him so much...I always will. But bad things...those words...those easy words started coming and I found myself right back at the beginning. And I couldn't stop thinking about him. I dreamed about him. It was terrible. So I asked him...what do we do? Of course got no answer, because I didn't really expect any, anyway...I just needed to throw them out there for my sanity. If two people keep thinking about each other in that way, and can't forget each other, it doesn't leave a lot of options. It's tough, but I haven't had much else to say about it because it's all on the table now for though.
In the meantime, i'm writing a book, speaking at fundraisers, groups, to the papers, etc. I realize that other people put so much faith in me...and my life, that I have to do something proactive and positive with it, instead of sitting and waiting for it to come to me. It is a beautiful realization when you realize there are people out there that think your life is worth something. How can you not prove them right?
I have a 'list'...you know the kind I mean. "Things I need to do before I die." and i'm attacking it full on. I am learning four languages (Spanish, Italian, Portugese and Latin) (half of the ones I want to learn) this year. I am cooking again. I am travelling starting early to mid next year. New Zealand for a while (trying to find work there now, so I can go prepared) then South Africa, back to Europe, then South America and then I imagine i'll settle back in Peterborough, where my heart was left. Also, my mom and I are going to New York City once we find out i'm in remission/cured.
Sorry I haven't kept up to date, but things have been a real whirlwind for me recently. (15 day stint in the hospital, prognosis of 14 days to live, and many complications) I currently have a giant hand, because of issues with a vein...I am going for an ultrasound on Friday when I see my oncologist, so we'll know if it's a clot. If so, i'm in for more rough waters. Don't be surprised if it takes me a while to update.
Always Living A Dream
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