Nobody wants to be friends with somebody who has cancer. Nobody wants to date somebody who has cancer. It's a fact.
I have cancer. Right now, it's unknown. (The biopsy results showed every type of lymphoma as negative.) Each and every one of my symptoms match something called paranasal carcinoma (stage 4) but the doctor's clearly don't think defining my cancer is a priority. It has been nearly two weeks since the biopsy and all they have given me is that it's NOT lymphoma, but it IS cancer. Imagine knowing that you have a potentially fatal tumor slowly taking over your brain but that absolutely nothing can be done, and the doctor's don't even care enough to return your phone call.
I had been dealing so well until they told me it's not lymphoma. Until that point, I knew it was a common, treatable form of cancer, with a 90% remission rate, and now I know nothing, except that it's worse everyday, and I am slowly losing my sight because of it. I have completely lost my sense of smell, and my nose and eye are constantly watering. I am on a narcotic painkiller to knock me out at night because the pain gets so bad that I can't sleep.
But i'm not a priority.
If it is the kind of cancer i've been looking at, there is only a survival rate of 43% after 5 years. That means that it's more likely that this will kill me, than that we'll cure it, and the clock is ticking. Everyday that they waste NOT defining it, is another day that I lose in the end, if it is serious.
I hate being helpless. I hate that this is beyond my control. I hate having to sit around and wait on them to tell me how bad it is. I hate feeling this week and worn down. It's plaguing me. As much as i'd like to go on and pretend that i'm fine, i'm really not. I'm weak and scared and limited and annoyed and impatient. I don't think it's fair to tell somebody that they have cancer, then make them wait for weeks and weeks and weeks to find out even what kind, let alone start treating them.
Even if it's terrible and they tell me I very well might not make it, i'd rather they tell me sooner so I can enjoy myself and live knowing what is ahead, but this...it's the worst thing you could do to a person. Making them live without any clue of what the future holds. It's like living your life with a giant anvil swinging overhead and no idea when it might fall, or if it will even hit you. I can't live with this fear in the back of my head. It's killing me. And my mom...she must've called the doctor's office 50 times today. They didn't even answer their phone. How awful. And they're closed tomorrow, so now it will be MOnday at the very earliest. I can't work all weekend like this. It makes me sick to my stomach
Anyway, if I ever find out what is growing and destroying my eye, i'll let you know. (If I can still see the computer screen to write on here.)
How can I live?