With all that's happened to me over the last few years, it's really tough for me, being back here. I was out on my own, doing it the way I wanted, and I didn't realize how much i enjoyed it until I had to give it up.
I had my job, my friends, my house. It's a scary thing when you think of anywhere other than where you grew up as your home. I don't know how many times i've cried to myself about wanting to go home. I don't know how many times i've accidentally said to someone, "I'm not from here. I'm from Peterborough." It's a tough thing. All I ever wanted in my life was to be better than the place I came from, and the people who stayed.
Imagine how hard it was for me, when someone I went to school with's mother said in the most condescending manner "So, do you work here full time?" Defeated, I said, "Just for now." They don't know what i've accomplished. They see me working at the bank, or the store and they think that's all i'm good for. They don't realize I have a university degree, had a good job and a home of my own, that I travelled (however briefly) or all that I want to do. They think i'm a piece of shit, selling them cigarettes for $10 an hour, and that's all i'll ever be. They smugly smile to themselves thinking how their kids are getting their master's or getting married, or living and working abroad. Good for them.
I've always been depressed. Even when I was in Peterborough, I was a bit lonely and always a bit sad. At least there I had other things in my life to be proud of. Now, i'm just completely defeated. I have nothing that I want. I hate my job, I hate living in my parent's house, I hate this town and that I can't do anything. I hate being broke. I hate that I don't know anybody here anymore. How am I supposed to meet people?
My mom and I got into a fight the other day because I didn't want to go to my father's on New Years and listen to them and their arrogant friends judge me for being such a failure. She said I had to, because maybe i'd have a good time. I don't see how it's possible, but really she just wants me to get out of the house. I haven't done anything since I got back home. I'm completely lost, here. It's very hard for me.
I don't want to feel this way anymore, but I don't know how to get myself out of this one. I can save money and move to the city..go back to working for the company I was working for in Peterborough. That is a long time thing, though. It will take a lot of time for me to save the money. That's like a year of commitment to this town.
I want to be happy, but I don't know what will make me happy. I was running away from myself, when I went to Europe, and I am right where I deserve to be. I have to face the facts that i'm getting too old to not have a plan.
I want to be happy. I'm working on it.
I have tried reaching out to old friends, inviting for coffee, etc, but nobody even returns my e-mails anymore. I don't know. I'm trying. Don't I get points for that?
I hope everyone had a happy Christmas. I worked all day. Story of my life.