One night it got so bad that I tore my bedroom apart trying to find whatever it was, that it was stuck on.
I didn't cry at first. That surprised me. I sat there and had a rational, disconnected conversation with him, as if it wasn't happening to me, but someone I don't know, or some character in a book somewhere. I asked him about her. I talked to him like a therapist talks to a patient. "And why do you feel that way?" Completely ignoring the way it made me feel.
How could he really think it would work with her, if he was with me in the middle of the night? I'll never understand that. I don't want to, to tell you the truth.
When he dropped me off that night, I didn't want to leave. I knew it would be the last time i'd see him. The last time i'd be able to breathe in the smell of his cologne, or feel his arms around me. The last time i'd hear the stupid voice he makes when he is joking around.
I could have left it all right there in his new car, but I didn't. I took it with me when I walked inside. I took all of it...the good and the bad, and held on to it. I should have left it in the driveway.
I called him before he even got out of town. "When are you moving to London? I can still see you, right?"
And just like that, I made myself the other woman. I played right into his little game, because he deceived me so beautifully. There was something about him that was charming..like a sweet poison, it tasted good but was lethal.
Story of my life, right?
The next day is when it really hit me. I held it together for an hour or two, and finally lost it when I was talking to my mom. (Who told me he was a jerk, but I still didn't see it.)
That weekend, he came over and painted my new place while I was at work. He was here when I got home, and for the 7 days following he didn't leave. (Didn't she wonder where he was?)
The following weekend, he came down to do a movie, but nothing was playing when we went, so we decided to grab dinner. On the way down to the restaurant, his phone rang. It was her. She was at his house. He told her he was with me and then hung up and said, "I gotta go." He offered me a drive home and I told him not to bother.
I decided then and there that I was done. I can't allow myself to be treated that way. Nobody will ever love me if I don't love myself enough to demand to be treated better, right?
The problem was...there was actually a connection. The kind that kept him coming back and me letting him. We couldn't be alone in a room together without touching. I loved the way he looked and the way he smelled, how sexy he was when he smoked, the sound of his voice...and who knows what he liked about me.
I was comfortable with him. More comfortable than I think i've ever been with anyone. I don't know that I knew him long enough to really care for him, but I certainly enjoyed his company and that is what made it so hard.
We didn't talk for a month. One night I txted him and asked him to come over. He played the part of the grownup saying that he couldn't come over because we both knew what would happen if he did. He kills me with his concern. I think he actually did care how he made me feel, at this point. He asked what I wanted from him and I said "What I want doesn't matter. You took the choice away from me." and he said "All that matters is what you want." (Even when he told me about her, he asked me what I wanted...like he would have changed his mind if I said anything other than what I said. "I don't get to want, you took that option away from me.")
I told him that I want to be his friend. I told him that we had so much fun together before and when you take the physical relationship out of that, you have the fundamentals for a good friendship. Why give up someone that makes me laugh so much over some girl I don't know, right? We agreed we could be friends.
A couple weeks later, he called me saying he was in town and wanted to go for a drink. I went. It wasn't the best of ideas as the physical attraction was stronger than my willpower and one thing lead to another, if you know what I mean.
I was addicted.
Stay tuned...