He had a list of many things that made him wonder. If he had've said things earlier, done things when he had the chance, etc, what would his life look like now. (And for the record, I remember that night in 2001...I went to the beach with Leah, and kicked my shoes into the lake, and swung on the swings and talked about how things were meant to turn out.)
Anyway, I couldn't help but think...which instances I wish I could see the alternate results of. And this is what I came up with:
I would love to see what happened if I had've been better to my friends in high school, shut my mouth instead of talking about my best friend.
If I had've stayed for that extra year, think of all of those things that could've turned out differently.
If I had've gone to school that morning, the second week I was at Trent, instead of staying home to talk to (the now married) Keith.
If I had've stayed in Peterborough, my first summer.
If I hadn't of cut my wrists in October of 04.
If I hadn't of said how I felt about Scott, and later how I didn't feel.
If I had've gone to the bar with Siobhan on my 19th, instead of Erika.
If I had've told my parents the truth about my life, and the people in it, and my problem with depression, when I had the chance.
If I had've gone to school out East, instead of Peterborough. (That one is sad, because this city has been good to me.)
If I hadn't of left the job I had in the fall of 04, and worked for Glen.
Most of these things...minor things, had they been done differently, I would literally be a different person, today. Who knows what kind of person, or where or what kind of job i'd have, but I can assure you, none of it would be the same as now.
I don't regret my choices. I never regretted loving Scott. That is one thing that always made me happy. I never regretted leaving my job, or choosing to go out with my sister on my birthday, and I even didn't regret cutting.
In my life, the only thing I regret is any time that i've not put my whole heart into living, and loved with anything but complete passion.
And while everyone around me is getting married, having babies, and even buying houses, and I don't yet have any of those things, i'm happy knowing that I have accomplished what I have, and survived what I have, and that at the end of the day, I have a shoulder to cuddle with, if I want it.
C'est Tout. Bon Nuit, tout le monde.
Je T'aime.