I immediately said, "That's not the first time i've heard that." He said he wasn't surprised.
It was just...fuck, if that isn't a sign, what is?
I had a conversation last night, with a friend of mine, on the way home from the city. She is 30, divorced, and has two kids. In the back seat, was another friend..my age. Same sort of past, as me. So friend in the back seat (from this point, N) and I were talking about how hard it is to trust people after you have put all of your trust in someone, and watched yourself fall apart. (this stemmed from an earlier conversation about light and dark, trust and disappointment.)
I was saying that i'm comfortable with expecting disappointment. It's a form of protection for me. I can't get hurt, if I doubt everything everyone says to me. I was saying how i'll know when to let go of the philosophy, when someone forces me to believe in them. When someone makes me a promise, and keeps it. When someone forces me to see the light.
My friend who was driving (from this point forward, R) said to me, "I understand where you're coming from, but from someone who has been through all of that, trust me, that is not going to make things any easier. People break promises. People lie. You can't protect yourself from it forever, and it will happen again, that someone you love, lies to you. You have to realize that, without expecting it, because you're never going to let yourself love someone, if all you do is doubt them. You can't love, without trust."
N chimed in, with her $.02. "I get what you're saying, but sometimes, as much as you want to trust, and love, you can't help but think of that other person who lied when you trusted them. It's terrible!"
R Then said "All i'm saying is that if you don't let yourself, you won't find what you're looking for. You have to jump into it, knowing you could get hurt, and you have to accept that. Until you're ready to, you're only holding yourself back."
And so I thought about it....I have many men in my life, right now. You might say i'm testing out the waters, before jumping. I am keeping ties with all of them, and seeing what happens. (FYI, I am not sleeping with any of them...i'm not a whore.) So I put a bunch of thought into it...who can I trust?
At the end of it all, I came out realizing that there is one person in particular that I could really see myself falling for, in time. I think it would be really easy, with him. I feel like I used to, with Scott, at the begining, so long ago. It's fun, and flirty, and easy. I haven't thought once, about not being able to trust him.
So I had this grand sort of epiphany...i'm ready. I don't doubt myself, and I don't doubt this particular guy. But still, somwhere inside, I was apprehensive about really jumping in. When you jump, you risk drowning really fast, if you don't keep that floatation device handy, to bail out. I JUMPED! (wearing floaties)
And then....last night....the Princess comment, like a giant sign from the universe to just let go. Let go. Two small words, with a huge impact. What would happen if I just let go? I'm sure i'd fall eventually. Why am I so scared of falling? Falling is the best part...it's the clawing your way back up, that hurts.
I'm letting go...slowly, and cautiously. I know that was a sign. I know it.
"I liked the falling part, and holding hands. Relationships were so easy, when all you had to work on, was standing up together." - Miriam Toews (A Complicated Kindness)
Always Living A Dream
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