You cant go back and live it again. You only get one shot. That is possibly one of the most depressing thoughts I have had in a while.
You only get to fall in love for the first time, once. You only get to learn to drive, once. You only get to meet your best friend, or start university, or get your first job once.
I regret that I didn't make the best of those moments...that I didn't soak them up...every sight, smell and sound so I could replay them forever and know they were perfect.
When is the first time I felt love? I don't even remember. I regret that all of this time, I haven't allowed myself to feel it, while it's happening, and forced myself to chase it, once it's gone.
Today when i was walking home, the leaves were crunching under my feet. The sky was blue, and the treetops were red, yellow, orange and purple (well, burgandy, if you will.) The air smelled like a mix of campfire and barbecue. I was suddenly thrust backward in time to a stupid party I went to, once, back in high school.
To the guy I had liked for so long, with his arm around me, and his hand slipping under my shirt. I laughed at him whenever he tried to kiss me. I pushed him off me, and finally someone walked back. I left with a guy friend, on my arm, and my shoes in my hand. We sat outside my house for three hours, just talking. That is still one of the best nights of my life...I connected with another person on a very mature level, that I haven't been able to get to, since.
I remember that song...my birthday...the first time I felt the universe was pointing me somwhere (or at least the first time I noticed.) His voice, every chord on the guitar...ever syllable of every word, like a...bright light in a dark night, calling me toward it. The first time I felt like I was here, and not just watching some giant tv somewhere. The moment in time where I was almost literally blown out of my chair. Clarity, at it's finest.
Clarity, as a word, doesn't do it justice. Clarity is too messy of a word to define that....exactness. I imagine a bunch of puzzle pieces floating around in space for years and years and years, and at one moment, one very perfect, fated moment, they all tumble in to each other in just the perfect way, to form a giant Mona Lisa in the sky. BAM! Like a giant blinking eye...and as fast as that perfect moment happens, it's gone. The most beautiful thing in the world, gone. Lost in space again for another eternity.
I remember tears. Of joy, of sadness, of regret. Regret. Regret should be a four letter word. I miss everything about everything i've missed.
Words echo in my memory like the person saying them is standing right next to me. They mean as much to me now, as they did then. I regret not hearing them quite so clearly, back then.
What did I have? What did I lose? What did I never see?
I'm far too young to feel this way, and yet I do. I know these are things I will never get back. Bits of myself that are...dust, by now.
I wonder if I wish for it enough, if maybe my Mona Lisa will come back to me for a brief while...I want it so badly. I may even need it about now.
Always Living A Dream
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