Now...on to the depressing part. I wrote part of this a while ago, and finished it tonight, when I was in a mood. Sorry that it's so depressing. I just needed to post it, though.
He is: The man I was supposed to marry. The man I think about more than anyone else in this world. The man who was going to have kids with me…who told me he loved me with all of his heart. Whose voice makes me weak. He’s moved on. He made me feel this way, and now has left me behind to drown in a puddle of my own tears. He had me hooked, again and again. Every word he said made me want more. Every time I thought I could stop, he came back and said something to bring me back into my wonderful high. The first and only man to ever make me enjoy being weak. The only person to break me down and make me surrender. To admit how I feel, risking it all…he doesn’t want me. I don’t think I’ve ever known heartbreak, like this. Every bit of my body is weak. I feel like I could be sick. The tears won’t stop, and I don’t want them to, because when they do, then it’s over. Everything is over.
I feel like I’ve wasted my dreams. I’ve wasted so many nights, dreaming of him…of what it should have been like, with a secret hope buried somewhere deep inside of me…a light in a dark place. Something inside of me that kept assuring me, “If you hold on, it will all work out.” I’ll never trust that voice again. I’ll never trust my heart again. I feel like I'll never trust any man who ever makes me feel good. If you give them the power to make you feel good, then you’re giving them the power to make you feel a thousand times worse, and I can’t trust anyone with that power, again.
My heart is shattered in a thousand pieces on the floor, and still I’m trying to pick myself up. Trying to put the pieces together and trying to be the person who I was. But even if I manage to put it back together, my heart will never be the same. I will never be the same. There will be something missing. Something I will never, ever get back. A part of myself is lost.
Who was I before? I was happy being single. I had fun with my friends and family. I loved my life, my school, my town…I loved myself. Now, I don’t even know who myself is anymore. It feels as though he has become a part of me, and now that he’s gone, he’s taken me with him and there is nothing left but a frame. An empty shell. A young woman who has nothing. Who is nothing without the man that completes her. And he did. He opened my eyes and made me realize that there is more to life than what I knew. That it is possible to be even happier than I was. He introduced me to the sweet drug of happiness, then stole my stash, and now I ache for more. I feel as though I can’t live without it…without him. Being so complete, and having it taken away from you…having everything taken from you. Stolen by the first person you’ve ever trusted. Left standing in the dark…it’s scary. I am sitting here, a void. I am empty. I feel as though I have nothing left inside of me. Nothing left to give, but the salty tears that escape, my now, empty, brown eyes. I am alone, and it’s my fault.